alexithymic

by usually trespassing

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1.
fuck! looks like i woke up again today so i gotta muster up the gumption to rack my goddamn brain another spitballed half baked explanation for the grimace on my face in place of a grin if the honest truth is what you want baby now you have it it’s that i can’t handle being on this god forsaken planet and i hope that i don’t become what i hate before i find a way to stand it am i broken or deficient either way i’m petulant and disparate i’ve heard it’s possible to savour life but i’m holed up and bitching that once again the question of the day is will i ever be okay but i can never answer it so i add asking it to the list of habits that i should break i possess a ceaseless infatuation with death but getting his attentions a little harder than you’d think if you wanna see a sad attempt look to your pack of cigarettes where you’ll find a portrait of my teeth i got my masters in the crack pipe then graduated to meth all the while never straying from the drink and on the day that i take my last breath i’ll only be pissed off at the fact that it took so fucking long am i broken or deficient either way i’m petulant and disparate i’ve heard it’s possible to savour life but i’m holed up and bitching that once again the question of the day is will i ever be okay but i can never answer it so i add asking it to the list of habits that i’ll never break i’m broken and deficient hell i’m destined to be an indigent it’s impossible to savour life hence why i’m holed up and bitching that once again the lesson of the day is that i’ll never be okay my mind will remain to rot as my dismal trains of thought lead me into an early grave
2.
vice grip 03:45
i’ve been up to no good but you knew that already you could tell by the smell of the booze on my breath and the look on your face says i should wait until the morning to mention that i went and got arrested again i’ve got a piss poor attitude i’m a pessimist at best and at my worst i end up hurting you i promise to better though i only follow through with it about as often as an alcoholic takes a solid shit my worries get the best of me and my vices get the rest of me i’m sorry there’s not much left of me by the time i hit your lips i’d swear the universe was testing me if i believed in anything other than the fact that this whole world has promptly gone to shit and i’m stuck in it i’ve become nothing but a piss drunk fuck up all that’s left in my wake is trouble you laid the bar down on the goddamn ground but darling i brought a shovel i’ll never amount to anymore than the habits i can’t break you best shelf your loft expectations baby i’ll engulf your life in flames my worries get the best of me and my vices get the rest of me i’m sorry there’s not much left of me by the time i hit your lips i’d swear the universe was testing me if i believed in anything other than the fact that this whole world has promptly gone to shit and i’m stuck in it now i’m on a different sidewalk in a different city strumming the same three chords and drunk on the same cheap brand of whisky sometimes it seems as if i slit my wrists not a single soul would miss me i know full well that ain’t true so i’m left to hope you’ll still forgive me
3.
alexithymic 02:43
words do no justice to what is always spiralling through my brain the dictionary lacks exact description for this feeling in my veins it’s stuck on the tip of my tongue what the fuck why won’t it come out and who the fuck constructed this brick wall between my emotions and my mouth i think i’m on the edge the brink of insanity this cacophony of thoughtless thoughts won’t end its fucking maddening bursting at the seams but can’t distinguish or describe it despite it constantly immersing me goddammit i’m alexithymic my mind procures obscure excuses to loop this noose around my neck but much like this frayed rope, those reasons all bear a fuzzy edge when directing my hands to fasten the knot my pitfalls all make perfect sense but attempts to force em from my mouth burn out before they’ve even commenced i think i’m on the edge, the brink of insanity this cacophony of thoughtless thoughts won’t end its fucking maddening! bursting at the seems but can’t distinguish or describe it despite it constantly immersing me goddammit i’m alexythymic monosyllabic replies are emphasized by my deadpan face when i dissociate and leave my body rotting where it lays this feelings inexplicable but if i still give it a shot you can the smell the smoke from when my broken words come screeching to a stop

credits

released December 28, 2023

written and performed by hog
sound engineer: tate mcmillan
Dr. Sound Mixer, PhD: tate mcmillan

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usually trespassing

folk-punk solo act hailing from the land mass currently referred to as Canada

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